The Hearse Ride...

Too bad I'm not straight, cause Jeri Ryan is HOT!!

It's too bad there wasn't a hot Borg male,.....But then Paramount gave up on Roddenberry's dream early on!!

I know I have problems, I never said I didn't!!

But Ya, know.....I'm not gonna post on Father Jakes, any more....

I'm sorry I don't conform to your idea of normal. But considering my family, I think I'm doin' pretty good!!

I like to drink, I don't do it often, since I do have responsibilities, but when I do do it, I'm usually in a situation where I've decided to stay home because a DUI is not my cup of tea.

I have some alcoholic friends, whom I've learned quite a lot from. I used to think I was an alcoholic, but after the people I've met here in Florida,...I'm below normal. I guess it's up to ones perception.

I know alcoholism runs in my family. My Mother's mother was an alcoholic, and my Father's father was an alcoholic.

Beyond those people, in my family I know nothing, and frankly I don't give a shit!!

My Sister loves her beer, and I'm sure she loves her booze too.....much like my brother.

I like to get moderately wasted, {bad things happen when U are totally wasted..(sometimes).}

But lately, since Jeffrey's death, things have totally changed. Jessica has been in the breakdown mode several times. I'm just hanging on...or so I say. I mean normally I would just grieve alone, but that wasn't Jeffrey's style. He sought out those who would hide in society, and befriended them...I..was the same way,

I Miss Jeffrey, sooooo much, I can't even compose it...(not at this time)...

Now I'm stuck!!

Stuck in Drive . . . I feel Jeffrey's energy all around, And I see the effects of his death on his family.

I dunno if his family concurs, but Jeffrey was a Free Spirit that could never be captured. He tried, and I saw it in the weeks preceding his death. But eventually his Free Spirit overtook his life.

He Knows He's not Forgotten!!




oops I posted again. . . .>

Don't cha' love my new blog template?
Though it hardly looks funereally proper...LOL!! But then this isn't a funeral home site either, although one might beg to differ when my moods change..

I find the typical blog templates to be quite boring with no sense of style, I plan on changing it as soon as I make my own...lol....to the style befitting a blog called The Hearse Ride.

Labels: picture fom Jeffrey's accident scene

I'm so stoned now...lol.
I woke up with the toothache from hell today, in fact the pain woke me up. I promptly broke a Vicoden in half and took both halves and waited for it to work, since up till then I had only had 3 and a half hours sleep. The PAIN was horrendous, It felt like my head was going to explode. The 25 minutes it took for the effects to hit me, seemed like hours. Soon the pain subsided long enough for me to go back to sleep.
When I awoke I looked for some orajel I have and that in combo. with the pain pills makes daily living tolerable.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten cookies the night before, I knew the possible consequences, yet I had been binging most of the day, and took my chances. I hadn't eaten very much for 3 days, and it caught up with me.

I really must get my teeth taken care of. They are so damaged from years of grinding them, and years of neglect. I don't know why the dentist didn't pull them all, last time I was there (I requested it). I'm assuming that he thought he could save some of them for expensive bridges...Ha!! Like I'm so fuckin' rich.
The discomfort I went though last time scared me away from having any further work performed on them, but now it's getting rather dis-comfortable from the broken off teeth, not to mention the pain.

If I eat small amounts of sweets, I'm okay(unless it's chocolate)...I cannot tolerate the pain cause by chocolate. I have to make sure food is not too hot, or off to Dachau it feels like. Surprisingly Ice cold water kills the pain if used on certain teeth, but should it go down into an open socket, I about pass out.

The process of getting fitted for false teeth has me worried, as if it's not enough having all your existing teeth pulled but to have to have the false teeth put in right after...ouch!!

Oh well, it's my own damned fault for not taking care of them, the grinding though I can't seem to control.

It occurred to me while I was watching a recent Horror movie, that the author must have been Episcopalian. The storyline reads like the goings on in our church. The name of the movie is Silent Hill.
The movie for tells what happens when people get fanatically orthodox in their ways.
I realize life in the Episcopal church isn't as gory as the movie, but the basic storyline is quite telling.

If you enjoy Horror movies, I'd recommend this move if only for the special effects, and choreography.

Isn't this some shit?!?

I bet if it was a straight chick stabbing a straight guy, it would be first degree Murder charges.

A farm worker was stabbed to death Saturday after he made sexual advances to another man on farm property, according to the Marion County Sheriff's Office.

Ren Montana, 26, was taken into custody Saturday in connection with the death of Filepe Vaca, 35.

Montana told sheriff's deputies that he and Vaca were drinking after work at the Lamb Holm Farm near Ocala, Fla., when Vaca made unwanted sex advances to him.

Montana then stabbed Vaca in the upper torso of his body, the sheriff's report said.

The 26-year-old was arrested on charges of second-degree murder and possession of cocaine.

He was booked into the Marion County Jail on no bond.

Both men lived on the Central Florida farm.

It occurred to me that my lifelong bout with depression has literally stolen pieces of my life away from me. There are so many talents that I possess that I have abandoned, because (they just don't interest me any more).
Like drawing, I used to go though reams and reams of xerox paper & sketch pads just drawing my dreams, like designing architecture, automobiles, pipe organs, erotic art...etc. and I don't do that any more.
I used to have a passion for remixing dance music, and making dance mix tapes/cd's....I don't do that any more.
I still play the piano & organ, but I seldom compose music any more. I still cook, but I haven't made the things I used to love to make ie: pizza, elaborate cakes, cookies..and sweets.

I still do artistic things, but on the PC now, such as taking photo's of cars and customizing them in the paint program, which is really fun, but I don't do it too often.
I enjoy playing video games both on the PC and Playstation 2. I'm somewhat obsessed with the game SimCity 4 Deluxe Ed., though I wish they would make a new version...lol.

Perhaps one day I'll paint again, something I haven't done in 17 years, but one needs a space for painting, and there is none available at the present time.

I'm such a fuck up!! I should be ashamed of myself, but that is a feeling that doesn't seem to hit me, or if it does, I drug it away. I wish I had the courage to get rid of myself, but I don't, I feel responsible for too many lives to tear them apart like that. I've seen what suicide can do, that is why I live on the edge. I lost it 3 years ago, and my sister took over taking care of Granny. But alias, all good things must come to an end...she literally kicked Granny out, and guess where Granny went?

I don't feel like there is a place for me to turn to, within my family, because time and time again I get the same Bullshit story about them having their lives to live.....What about me?????
Am I a figment of their imagination, ....a convenient babysitter for the person no one seems to give a shit about???
Is that what I have to look forward to???

BULLSHIT!!! Bull Fucking Shit!!!!!

I'm so angry lately, all these emotions I've tried to keep at bay, are getting intermingled, and I'm literally losing control. I have a few drinks, and BAM it all falls apart.

Here in Florida, they have something called The Baker Act. Where if they the authorities think you are a danger to yourself or others, you can be committed to a psych hospital. The problem there is that you may never get out, because if you don't pass their standards, you stay in. I'd much rather take my chances out here, and go wacko!!! Then to be compartmentalized by a State that really doesn't give a flying fuck about me!!

I'm just worn out. I'm soooooooo past due a vacation, it's been at least 5 years since I've had a vacation.

I have to say that I was heartbroken by the actions of the Diocese of Central Florida, when they became a Network affiliated Diocese. As a cradle Episcopalian I found that action reprehensible, who the fuck do they think they are, speaking for all the people in this jurisdiction???

Then I read, what I read last night, and tonight on Fr.Jakes. That Bishop Howe (someone I distrust because of his previous appointment (Truro Church).

I know I may sound hysterical to some, ...I have my reasons. If there is no place for me in the State in which I live in, within practical driving distance. (considering how expensive gas is)
I have 2 options, to move, or {commit suicide}...I know that sounds drastic, but I am a Cradle Episcopalian, I know nothing else, ...it's not as if I haven't explored other denominations...but I just don't feel at home anywhere else.
I would move in a heartbeat if I didn't have to care for my Grandmother, who incidently (is not going to move no matter what..as she says..after being shuffled around from family member to family member ...all of which could not deal with her...(other than myself). I feel TRAPPED!!
Other than running away, or death.
I couldn't run away because I would feel worthless if I did. Since my Father,(her son) is such an incompetent....obviously, I'm taking care of HIS mother..same old scapegoating...single so you can take care of her BS!!
I'll survive hopefully!!
For years I didn't go to church...so much going on, I had my so-called life to deal with, and when I finally wanted to go back, I lived in a place where being myself (Gay) was an abomination, in the church that told me originally I was accepted...

What the HELL DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM US???

OUR BLOOD??!??

Cause if this shit keeps up, that's what you are going to be the keepers of!!
A bunch of Gravestones.........and that is all.

Oh my goodness, a Great Uncle already, and I'm only 43...Yikes!!

I'm so over this church bullshit, so I thought I'd post something different.
My Great niece was born in I believe February, but of course, I could be wrong...lol. I'm not a big fan of children, it's fine if they are someone else's children, but PLEASE...don't ask me to babysit, because you will be soooooo disappointed when you get home and their diaper is still on them, and dirrrty...(Vomit time)

I don't mind being around babies, as long as I don't have to change their diaper...nope. NO WAY!!! Taking care of Granny is bad enough. At least she can control her bowels, somewhat....and if she has problems, I told it's her responsibility to clean up any mess she may makes, because I just don't have the stomach for it. Cleaning the litter box makes me gag...(Thank God for automatic litter boxes).

There was a time when I loved to be around children, that was before certain people questioned a gay man taking care of children,...I'm serious!!

Even last month at Jeff's funeral, his Dad, said to my friend Jessica, he thought I was an awesome guy, but not to leave me alone with the kids...WTF?!?
Same old prejudices ...like I'm a molester, because I'm Gay.....If it hadn't been a funeral, I would have told him to FUCK OFF!! But I kept my anger to myself, because I know better than that.

I'm sure Jeff's father would have freaked had he known Jeff and I had been very intimate....I wonder what he thought of my sorrow, if he even questioned why I was so upset. But then again Jeff was a very loving person, so I'm sure his Dad thought it was that.

I'm just about over these prejudicial references to Gay males being molesters, pedophiles, into bestiality, and all sorts of fornication. When in reality most people of this irk are HETEROSEXUALS!! The Blind leading the blind....

But I suppose had I been Black in the 1950's I would have heard the same thing.....
It seems people just like a scapegoat for anything they can't believe ....Because people they know couldn't possibly be THAT way ...Oh No....

Tell that to the thousands of Roman Catholic boys & girls molested in the name of God, by the Roman Catholic clergy over 50 years!!!(Nuns & Priests)

It's about time people take responsibility for who actually does the molesting, instead of projecting it upon others. The so-called christian right/WRONG, is the main perpetrator of such falsehoods and they will pay for it in the after life, it's just too bad they are so mentally ill now, that they just can't accept who the true enemy is.

God knows....>

It seems most of the few parishes that have decided to leave TEC (The Episcopal Church) are deciding to give up their properties......Hmm or so the blog rolls attest to.
I don't believe it,...They are counting on those properties to bankroll their so-called Anglican religion. But alas, that ain't gonna happen. . . .
Peter Akinola, ...said to leave the buildings and continue on.

God Forbid!!

These so-called Cana-Parishes,..just can't do that. They are after all Americans...they think they deserve the Aeolian-Skinner pipe organ that some ancestor paid for, they believe that if someone else takes control of the stained glass window their Great-Great-Great Aunt Euphemia provided to their church, is their's to part with. (it's part of the building)
They think Christ is Limited!! To what they believe.....

Christ is God......but to them,.....the the past is heaven. The future is Hell!!

Living in the past (circa: 1955) is all they desire..........The Future scares the living shit out of them. They wish Slaves where still a household commodity, ...since the wife has a job, and the Nanny cost's too much...(ummmmmmm, get over it!!) and that their spoiled selves should be rewarded with good tidings...Hmmmm

Sounds like a mental health facility to me!! ie: Schizophrenics, Psycho's, and all around insanity!!

God & the nearest Asylum help us!!