The Hearse Ride...
Saturday, October 18, 2008
I Dunno ...
I'm contemplating closing this blog, as it seems to be my ONLY outlet in matters of a fucked up life & family situation. We all have to deal with the hand we are dealt, unfortunately my hand seems to be full of Jokers & one Ace of Spades.
Lately it's been the Ace of Spades, and for those who read cards, it's an inverted Ace of Spades.
When dumb fuck me decided to care for my Grandmother, it was the WORST mistake I've ever made.......
I've gone nothing but downhill since, and frankly I DON'T see a light at the end of the tunnel, all I see is blackness.
The next move is mine, and I don't know where that will be.
Lately it's been the Ace of Spades, and for those who read cards, it's an inverted Ace of Spades.
When dumb fuck me decided to care for my Grandmother, it was the WORST mistake I've ever made.......
I've gone nothing but downhill since, and frankly I DON'T see a light at the end of the tunnel, all I see is blackness.
The next move is mine, and I don't know where that will be.
4 Comments:
Hey, David, it sounds like you've been trying to do the right thing. It's not easy. (I have one difficult, cranky mother-in-law, too.) Of course we don't live together, so that's a huge difference.
We care about you out here, brother. Christ is a light at the end of every tunnel.
Dear David...good grief, I agree with everything Grace said! I find your ¨choice¨about being caregiver (to anyone) bold, kind and challenging...I don´t know how you do it (without letting off some hot air...and I´m glad you choose not to purify yours)...seems to me your a champ and of course you can´t be responsible for the actions and attitudes of others (including your Grandmother)...that is her burden to sort out...no sense accepting any nasty behavior that isn´t your own....hey, there must be support groups for ¨caregivers¨online...try Yahoogroups (they have Healthgroups)...reach out for a little fresh imput, you might be surprised how well you´ll feel with some support from others who do what you do!
Abrazos,
Leonardo
Oh, dear!
Well, burned out is something I understand altogether toooooo well!!
Sometimes---gee--- I know this is hard---but sometimes we may have to renig on our efforts to help somebody simply because we just couldn't see what was coming down the road and it turns out to be too much for us. The psychiatrist told me that I was like a moth that is trying to get out of a house to the light and keeps beating itself against the window.
It was my own dad that drove me crazy. Don't get me wrong, I loved him to death and he was a wonderful man, but he commanded my every moment. Oh, and about that business of trusting people? He was the world's worst! We'd stop at a rest stop along the highway and when I'd come out of the bathroom he'd be in the middle of a bunch of hell's angels talking to them--or worse. He got robbed by a girl with a sob story while he was on a walk in the park. He took all the money out of his wallet so he could sort out ten dollars or so for her and she grabbed the whole wad. He made two FULL YEAR tithes to the church in one month and they didn't alert me! I found out when he started bouncing checks. And several times he walked away from home and caught rides with total strangers when he got lost. Lucky they were good strangers . . . I wished I'd had a rocking chair dad instead of one stuck on the Puritan work ethic. He could keep two of us running all day long.
The nightmare lasted twelve long years.
God bless!!!
Annie
david g., don't you dare stop. in your own very strange way, you inspire hope. you have changed my blog. i hope you will be glad for that.
why, just yesterday, i was commenting to an old charge how "nothing is coming back." You've read Scott Peck, yes?
when you realize that someone is a "black hole", you also realize something else very deep and significant.
and it's liberating.
you are, of course, the master of your own destiny; if you choose to stop, i'll miss you.
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