The Hearse Ride...

I often think about suicide. Much more than I assume others think about it.

I've seen others perpetrate it. Those are experiences to learn by. I have also seen the effects of suicide on the immediate families. The torture, of ones true being, the discovery of true Light, and the obsessive/compulsive manifestation of some sort of justification for continuation of destructive behaviors.

All centered in myself. I have a controlled alcoholism, I'm sure there are many like myself out there, this is of course before alcoholism takes hold of us and ruins our perception, or maybe it is already ruined.

I can say that drinking made the suicidal thoughts more prevalent. And made the thought of some sort of conviction associated with it, more attractive. But then alcohol lowers inhibitions, so that is to be expected.

I have actually been contemplating, . . trying crystal Meth.


I read up on meth, all the time, and most of it is pretty Grave!! I dunno why I am still attracted to it. Perhaps it's the sexual inhibition part, unfortunately along with it comes Very inhibited sexual disease knowledge, or a dis-association with the effects of such unrestricted sexual conduct.

But of course I cannot share such feelings, because I seem to be forever celibate . . .I guess I'm afraid to try these drugs that just might actually free me from my HELL!!

Or I just choose the free flow life, with full knowledge of sexually transmitted diseases.

Then again, if trying Meth obscures that knowledge, that would be a devastating thing. And as such should be avoided.

I'm such a sad sack, that I can't even find a sex partner, meth addicted or not!!