The Hearse Ride...
Monday, July 03, 2006
Life's a Bitch!!
I was thinking about opening another blog so I could use it as a homepage link when I blog, but I figure if people who come here don't like what I have to say, or the language I use, tough shit!! This is me, deal with it!!
I'm staying out of the fire, so to speak with all the controversy surrounding the episcopal church. I express my opinion every now and then, but I'm trying not to argue. It is upsetting to me that certain factions within the church can't seem to hash out thier differences in a respectable manner, but I must confess, I've not always been a ray of light either. I'm prone to argue, it's one of the things I learned from my mother God Bless Her.
My mother died when I was 22, from cancer. I most certainly thought I would die once she passed away, but I didn't....although it wasn't from lack of trying. I have dealt with thoughts of suicide for most of my life, but I'm just too scared to do it. I think it's my faith in God, because everytime I get that depressed, I start praying.....which is rather odd of me, since I would hardly call myself a religious person. Sure... I am a cradle Episcopalian, but as for attending church regularly, it's a no go. I stopped attending regular services shortly after my mother passed away. I have on occasion gone to church, usually for funerals, easter, or christmas, but it's been quite a while...like um 1986. I really didn't miss it, I've moved so many times since then, and have had an erray of friends and activities to do that I simply didn't feel the need to go. And maybe deep down I was angry with God for taking my mother away from me.
But as I grow older, and more lonely....I've felt the need to go back, unfortunately the area I live in doesn't seem to have a church I feel comfortable in. And being rather shy (my description of myself) I don't want to go out looking for the right one. I have been told from friends that they think I'm am the furthest thing away from shy.....lol. Maybe because I'm rather outspoken when it comes to everyday life. I'll elaborate on my life later.....
I have been putting off fixing the water pump on my car, because I'm too depressed to fix it, but it's come to the point where I have no other choice as it's leaking all over the place. It's not a hard job, but I have trouble getting the energy to do it. The depression I've had for the last 4 years is coming to a head, and though I can barely afford to keep food in my stomach, I really must start talking to someone.....soon. Or I predict I'll fall further into this hole I feel I'm in.