The Hearse Ride...
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
WHY???
I'm losing my fucking mind, ... I HATE BEING BROKE!! Things need to be paid and I'm BROKE!! I can't pay my property taxes, I can't afford gas for the car, I can't afford to feed my cats, I can't afford insurance, I can't afford to eat!!!!
I'm increasingly feeling helpless, with no place to turn.
I HATE MY LIFE, PERIOD!!
I'm tired of faking my way through life. JUST PLAIN TIRED!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know why I'm still here, because I'm nothing but a drain on other peoples finances, and without me here they would be so much better off!!
WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?!?
I'm increasingly feeling helpless, with no place to turn.
I HATE MY LIFE, PERIOD!!
I'm tired of faking my way through life. JUST PLAIN TIRED!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know why I'm still here, because I'm nothing but a drain on other peoples finances, and without me here they would be so much better off!!
WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?!?
4 Comments:
You don't me, but I know how it feels to be broke. Despite popular belief, it is a temporary state. I won't give you some life is rainbows speech and keep your chin up. It does and will continue to suck until things improve. One thing that is constant is that things change, and thus, your financial situation shall change as well.
In the mean time, don't believe you are nothing but a drain on those around you. If you didn't offer up something for them in return - love, friendship, a shoulder, an ear, or a hand - they wouldn't help you out. If you truly believe you are a drain then it should make you more driven to improve your situation.
Good luck, and I will check back in and stalk your blog sometime in the future. >.<
¨Sick of feeling sick and tired?¨...I know, it´s that dropping off place that feels so hopeless and so filled with personal loss frustration and pending doom...I´ve been there (and sometimes revisit) but I found out that if I don´t agree with my notions of self-pity and permanent despair I can find help...when I reach out to others I find people are willing to listen and share what happened to them too...quite often solutions and clarity come from the most surprising places...David, you´re a person filled with creativity, passion and caring...you´re sensitive. Being sensitive is a wonderful thing but detecting good is sometimes countered with overly-sensing bad...that deep dark hole where I think ¨what´s the use¨...that is, until I realize tomorrow IS another day and everything changes...being WILLING to reach out and find help is a very good thing...I see this posting from you as ¨reaching out¨...staying emotionally ¨present¨ is a very good thing...there are many 12 Step Programs that will offer you the moral support, and valued experience that may be helpful to you...honest, all you need is ask for help.
Love to you,
Len
FYI, all 12 step programs will instruct you to "fake it 'till you make it".
I can speak from personal experience that this works. Eventually you've done the motions so much you "trick" yourself. After awhile, it is no longer trickery. You genuinely do feel better about yourself and life and the choices you make.
I re-read this blog post of yours, as its been haunting me a bit - in an "I care" way, not a creepy way. I read the part about being tired of faking your way through life, and then saw 12 step programs. I found it ironic.
I want to reiterate from my first post...things will inevitably change.
I have a tattoo on my wrist where I would normal wear a watch. It says "This too shall pass". I got it one year after my mother died as the then love of my life walked out on me. I wanted to have an easy and constant reminder during bad times that I shouldn't let myself fall too far down because things will not always be bad. It has also served as a tool to help me cherish the wonderful times since it also reminds me to relish in them because one day, things may not be this wonderful.
I do hope you are feeling better. I also hope that you will keep posting and letting out your feelings. It is healthy...and we are listening.
Oh yea. I'm living, breathing, and bathing in that desperate feeling RIGHT NOW. But I don't hate my life for it, because like Sh2nnon said "This too shall pass".
I've been draining my parents for some odd 27 years. And I know it won't stop for at least two years more. But I just look foward to another day, until this ends.
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